North Atlantic Ocean - (Ass Mess): A plane of the Queen's Flight carrying Prime Monster Tony Blair had to be diverted en route to Washington DC tonight after cabin staff reported a strange whiff of suspected Polonium 210 fumes coming from the VIP lounge where the PM and his entourage had just settled.
As is customary on all long-haul flights, airline crew had left the ubiquitous box of courtesy matches in the seating area - a traditional remedy against offending fellow passengers after a particularly brutal Jamie Oliver-esque interpretation of chicken tikka masala by galley staff.
But following the recent spate of radioactive toxin scares, crew were under strict orders to take no chances when the passenger light suddenly flashed red and a security officer signalled that something horrid was amiss, forcing the captain to make a mid-Atlantic diversion via the Azores.
The RAF Tornado jets - which routinely accompany the PM on all his forays across the Atlantic and provide an armed escort in case of unexpected weapons of mass destruction suddenly targeting the Queen's Flight from unmarked Iraqi vessels in the ocean - were reported as having gone on maximum high alert as the plane changed course.
Meanwhile in DC the National Guard was summoned to the airport and Department of Homeland Insecurity officials issued with laser stun guns in case the emergency proved to be more serious than first reported.
PM Blair is due to meet President Bush for a barnstorming session later tomorrow after a cache of Plutonium 210 was found at the US Ambassador's official Residence in Regent's Park by a routine dog patrol.