Written by Jools M
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Wednesday, 6 December 2006

image for Baked Beans off The Menu As Brown Unveils Flatulence Tax
Beans, beans, they're good for your heart. The more you eat, the more you fart.

The chancellor today unveiled a raft of new taxation to deal with the growing threat from greenhouse gases and global warming.

Following the recent study by Professor C.O. Tew, the renowned climate specialist a new and potentially lethal cause of global warming has been identified and the chancellor has acted quickly to address the problem.

Human flatulence it seems is the biggest contributor to greenhouse gas emissions with the average Briton producing around 4.9 cubic metres per day. "This is a growing problem" commented professor Tew, "the sheer volume of methane produced is causing our methane footprint to grow out of all proportion and this can give rise to fundamental changes in the atmosphere including foul smelling polluted air and in the worst case, something known as brown rainwhich is a phenomenon until now only seen in the Indian sub continent"

The regional variations in UK output of flatulence is truly staggering, with extremely high concentrations in areas such as Brick Lane in London and Bradford's, Manchester road, both of which have high numbers of curry restaurants. Time of day can also have a significant bearing on emission levels, researchers from the Flatulence Abatement Research Technicians Service (F.A.R.T.S) discovered that emissions peak between 7:00am and 8:30am and the met office has reported a decrease in air quality and a corresponding increase in barometric pressure between these times.

To deal with the problem the chancellor has announced a tax of £1.50 on all beans, pulses, and vegetarian ready meals. In addition to this measure Indian and vegetarian restaurants will have a flat levy of £89.54 added to each bill to discourage consumption of these environmentally hostile foods. "We will not legislate at this stage," said the chancellor, "however, we are studying a framework of legislation to manage this problem, with penalties for excessive emissions which could include an offender having to wear a permanent bung with a tracking device attached to ensure compliance"

The chancellor then announced the appointment of a John Prescott as the governments Fart Tsar, in a moment of levity he was heard to comment "lets face it he is usually blowing off about something or other." The chancellor conceded the need for a balanced approach, however, and to take the sting out of the new tax he announced that V.A.T will no longer be charged on air fresheners, and deodorants.

Animal rights groups were delighted saying, "at last we should see the abuse of dogs decline."

The new tax will come into effect at midnight.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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