Written by T. Loaf
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Wednesday, 27 January 2016

Carriage and Deportment is to be introduced as a compulsory subject in a pilot project in British schools as of the new school year, with the aim of preparing British youth in, well, how to walk and stand around.

Little known to the public, world leaders have been taking private tuition in 'walking and deportment' techniques, with varying success.

Barack Obama's swaggering saunter is the result of practising walking while bouncing a basketball. If you look closely, you will often see him include a 'dummy' as he approaches the lectern, and his left hand is drooped slightly, occasionally punching towards the ground.

The German Chancellor, Angela Merkel, in contrast, clearly skipped lessons. She has an hemorrhoidal gait which suggests she's gripping something between her buttocks, though her smile at press conferences reveals she's enjoying it.

President Putin commands a mix between step and march, the chin slightly lowered to the right, a sign of dynamic character and inflammation of an upper molar, and there is a swinging of the arms - reminiscent of hungry apes.

Britain's David Cameron walks 'unobtrusively'. His demeanor shows he would rather be without his legs, though for the present he's happy they are where they are. He does all he can to distract attention away from them, which usually rebounds for all to glare at his podgy posture.

The Queen moves - and this comes as no surprise - majestically. Her considered, deliberate step by step manner, always remembering which leg to hitch forward next so as to avoid a clumsy jump, is the style all British youngsters will be aiming for, even though it's technically only possible when holding a handbag.

A Department of Education spokesman was confident the project will reap rewards. "In ten years time", he said, "I hope we will all be walking around like Queens."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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