Written by Samuel Vargo
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Wednesday, 13 January 2016

image for An Englishman named George Bush is jailed for selling dead monkey heads and having beastiality images
You look like a heallthy and happy little primate. So stay away from George Bush from London and keep your head.

LONDON, England - Some psycho named George Bush (no, he's from the Erith section of London, England, and he is not, and I will repeat, he is not from the powerful, influential, Republican, Texas family of U.S. Presidents), has been jailed for 14 months for selling dead monkey heads and other primate body parts, along with having images of bestiality in his personal possession.

Bush was sentenced at Woolwich Crown Court on Monday, Jan. 11, after pleading guilty to a string of charges. These weird and horrid crimes include: offering to sell body parts of a number of endangered species (such as four monkey heads and two leopard heads); and Bush also tried to sell 134 "specimens" from macaque monkeys (including the skeleton of an infant crab-eating macaque - on eBay), according to BuzzFeed News and the Daily Mail of the United Kingdom.

"He also pleaded guilty to possession of 71 extreme pornographic images of animals," the Buzzfeed News article reports.

According to the Daily Mail, Detective Constable Sarah Bailey said: 'This case shows that strong controls are in place to protect endangered species and the police will take action against anyone found to be trading illegally.

'Illegal trade threatens many species' survival. I would urge anyone who sees specimens from protected wildlife for sale to contact police," Detective Constable Bailey added in the Daily Mail article.

The thing that's so sad about this report is that Bush only received 14 months incarceration for being a veritable Hannibal Lecter of monkeys and other species. The DNA of chimpanzees isn't all that different than ours, you know. It's almost identical, in fact. And knowing how a deranged lunatic feels about having a collection of dead monkey heads staring at him as he smokes his pipe in his living room, sharpening knives and wheezing, he'll most likely enjoy all the horrors of prison life. And when he gets out, he might graduate to trophy hunting for more advanced primates, like homo sapient apes. But then again, he might be totally reformed in prison. When he gets out, he may buy a good set of binoculars and take up bird watching.

Buzzfeed News reports that the monkey heads and primate parts were shipped in from Indonesia. There was no mention made in the BuzzFeed News article concerning the specifics of the extreme pornographic images of animals. One cannot help but wonder if George Bush - the weirdo from the Erith area of London, England, and not, and I repeat, not, either the 41st or 43rd President of the United States, had any leading man part in any of the pornographic images of the animals found in his possession. We're only human, right? Isn't it normal for us to wonder about such things? And brothers and sisters, just be grateful you're on top of the food chain and you're not a diminutive, naive, victimized macaque monkey.

I let my friend and neighbor Jacko read the BuzzFeed News story and he was abhorred. Jacko is a true animal lover and did his best at animal husbandry to raise a grizzly, a tiger, and three alligators, but the authorities raided his apartment and took all his pets away one day last summer.

They were emaciated and victimized, sure, but Jacko was in way over his head in raising the critters. Keeping these carnivores on a steady diet of boiled rice and cream-of-wheat turned into a dietary fiasco. And the fact that Jacko's girlfriend Delilah was badly mauled by these apex ambush predators one cold February afternoon while Jacko was at work and she was watching his pets really upset the U.S.A. Animal Welfare Police and other law enforcement organizations - even the Nancy Grace Christian Crusaders.

"Fourteen months! That's an outrage! That guy ought to get a good whack of his own bad karma! Animals are people, too," Jacko wailed after reading the Buzzfeed News article.

"Well, I don't know about all that, my friend, but I definitely feel your pain and frustration," I said.

Although Jacko and I disagree on nearly everything, I have to agree with him here. Until the nations of the world start brandishing much stiffer penalties against those who poach, abuse, and indiscriminately kill (usually for shits and giggles), these poor, defenseless animals, this sort of thing will go on and on and on. I wouldn't be against sending someone like George Bush (the guy from the Erith section of London, England, and not, and I will repeat, not either of the Republican U.S. Presidents who also have that first and last name, to prison for double-digit years.

And many of the animal parts that were found in Bush's possession were those of endangered species. How did he slide by with a mere 14 month slap on the wrists? (click on one of the Daily Mail links and look at those monkey hands, man!) What if he was collecting parakeet heads? Or common toad bellies? Or blackbird spines? Would he be spending a day and a night in jail? Or be fined the equivalent of what it costs to buy a bag of bird seed from the pet store?

We might be on the top of the food chain, but it's going to be very lonely - not to mention downright scary - for all of us homo sapient apes when we're the only species on the food chain. And if you're the type that considers Bush 'an entrepreneur' who is just taking part in the benefits of an 'Internet-driven, free-market economy', just ask yourself, "How would you like to have George Bush as a neighbor?" I mean, did you take a good look at the horrible expressions on those monkey heads? Did you see that hideous collection of monkey hands? And if your answer is 'Yes, I wouldn't mind this George Bush from London moving into the apartment across the hall', well, our answer to you is: "Why don't you move to the nearest jungle and live there? Make sure you take plenty of snacks along, because high up in those trees, you'll have to forage for your own food. And while you take up residency in your bamboo hut on top of a palm tree, leave the little monkeys alone."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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