Buckingham Palace, London - (Associated Mess): Linguistics experts monitoring pronunciation changes in the English language have focused on the annual Queen's Xmas Message broadcasts and concluded that the old Mountbatten dumpling is sounding commoner and commoner as increasing amounts of botox scaffold her face to balance out spiteful 1990s dental work installed as part of the Blair Government's Good Friday Agreement with the IRA.
A feature in today's Daily Fascist newspaper is warning readers that a scientific study of the Commonwealth broadcasts has found that "royal bowel sounds have undergone a subtle revolution" and are now routinely mistaken for the spoken royal tongue.
As she hosts a glittering dinner party at the Ritz Hotel's Polonium 210 DeliDiner tomorrow tonight for Hellfire Club grandees celebrating yet another successful smearing of feuding Russian turf war crack barons, the Von Battenburg grande dame is acutely aware of her position as the world's number one Eliza Doolittle:
Hidden in the Royal Archives vaults at the Tower of London are the 1940s original film footages showing linguistics experts from Uncle Joseph Stalin's Academy of British Disorientation Techniques, coaching the fledgeling Princess Elizabeth impersonator how to speak in the King's English.
The young thespian took over this prized royal role after German Messerschmitt bombers scored a direct hit on the west wing of Buckingham Palace in September 1940, necessitating the Hellfire Club's speedy implant of doppelgangers for the official lead roles of King George VI, Queen Elizabeth and their eldest daughter.
Whoever said the Panto Season died out with the dinosaurs?