Lincolnshire, UK - Parents are in a moral panic after a seemingly harmless art class left at least five children with a warped sense of love and relationships. Another two are said to be questioning their sexuality. Many more will need to see the school counselor.
It was scheduled as normal - 11 am, Room 14C with Miss Bryant. Today's class - Using magazines (but definitely not the internet), kids were encouraged to look at celebrity couples and make some art based on how their love made them feel inside.
It seems Miss Bryant's biggest mistake was bringing in materials from the staff room, many of which were filled with photos of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West licking one another while wearing garish animal furs. Others showed Kim alone trying to get the best angle in the mirror to do a bum and boobs selfie. No one has come forward to claim ownership of the magazines but a list of single, neurotic teachers has been drawn up.
After viewing the images and reading an exclusive interview with the celebrity couple, one girl, eight year old Milly Jackson, created a heart on a stick by using layered chicken and orange slices, then covered it in black treacle. Moments later she devoured it in front of the whole class.
'It was freaky, like something out of a horror movie. It looked like bile or ichor dripping off her chin. Very symbolic, but too advanced for this age group,' said art technician Tony Hayes.
The girl was later questioned by teachers about why she devoured her project in the class.
'I couldn't take the way everyone was looking at it, like it was a foul thing to see. I ate it so no one would have to look at it again,' said pupil Milly Taylor, who is becoming increasingly bitter about her life experiences.
'Young children are confused by abstraction,' said the school psychologist. 'It's a higher cognitive process that develops later on. If they were college art students we'd chalk it up to pretentiousness but for kids under 10? Freaky, just freaky. Those celeb mags have a lot to answer for.'
Milly's twin sister, Wixie, also gave cause for concern after she made a tree that reeked of death.
Her teacher explained, 'At first we thought it was an autumn tree in a misty, moss-carpeted wood. You know what I mean - Legend of Zelda kind of stuff. But she would only use twigs infested with rot, and bones from bird carcasses she picked apart in class. What looked like leaves at first glance were really bird feet. She put it by a window and it burst into flames.'
Every child in that class went home with the smell of scorched and acrid love on the inside of the nostrils. Who says it won't still be there tomorrow, or the next day?
Suffice to say, future art classes will see pupils provided with glue and prefabricated items they can use in a collage. Yes, it will stifle creativity, but that is the price you pay.
thespoof.com has learned that the school spent thousands having the fingerprints on the magazine pages tested. A teaching assistant has since been released from her contract.