Written by James Wallin
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Topics: Cartoon, BAE

Sunday, 3 December 2006

image for BAE's secret deals with Wile E. Coyote revealed
Dastardly is rumoured to have ordered 7 Eurofighter Typhoons

Secret payments of millions of pounds from Britain's largest arms company, BAE, have been found in a Swiss bank account belonging to a Mr Wile. E Coyote, a controversial figure in the world of assassination attempts on cartoon birds, fuelling rumours that arms dealers are in fact "not very nice people".

Mr Coyote refused to speak about the allegations. However the discovery presents the biggest potential breakthrough achieved yet in the CFO (Cartoon Fraud Office)'s three-year investigation into allegations that illegal dealings have been occurring between top British arms officials and a host of cartoon villains.

Revelations are also rumoured to be in the offing involving bribes paid during a sale of fighter planes to a Mr D. Dastardly and irregular practice in an arms deal involving an as yet un-named individual whose only comment was "And I would have got away with it if it wasn't for you meddling kids!"

The development comes amid threats from BAE that the ongoing enquiry could damage the British economy. They have claimed that if the investigation is not halted Mr Coyote will pull out of his £6 billion contract and take it to BAE's chief rivals, The Smurfs, instead.

The loss of the contract, which includes production of 700 landmines, several hundred sticks of dynamite and a number of devices for rolling boulders off hills, would mean the loss of 50,000 jobs and a country-wide surplus of jet-propelled rocket skates and exploding bird seed.

The history of co-operation between cartoon villains and the British arms trade dates back to a landmark deal struck by the Thatcher government in 1984 to sell weapons to Hamburgler, the notorious fast-food thief and enemy of Ronald McReagen. However, the passing of a law in 2002, which outlawed payments to cartoon characters who had a history of "villainous and fiendish behaviour", curtailed the relationship.

Mr Coyote, who owns a mansion in Oxfordshire, but spends most of his time hiding behind boulders, is a friend of Peter Mandelson and has been a donor to the Conservative Party. Mr Mandelson described his friend as being "no less a scoundrel than me", before cackling manically and disappearing into the night.

No comment was forthcoming from Mr Coyote's arch-nemesis, Roadrunner, although he is believed to have told friends "beep-beep".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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