Written by T. Loaf
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Monday, 5 October 2015

The European Union is preparing to crack down on the volume of pips found in lemons.

Horst Limeburger, leader of the new Citrus Division in Brussels, confirmed: "We have been receiving complaints from restaurants and hobby cooks. One caterer counted over 70 seeds in one lemon. It's getting out of control."

Parliamentary officials are combing the Union with lemon squeezers, random sampling incoming goods at seaports and conducting count checks at wholesale fruit markets.

Fred Nut, wholesaler of oranges and lemons in Folkestone, England, commented, "Fair do. I mean if it's like that, well, you've got to do something. It's criminal. They've tried it on other stuff, but it didn't work. My carrots are still too long and my bananas droop west. Scandal, really. 36 pips is average, they say, but what if the lemon's a bit bigger, that's what I say. I dunno."

Limeburger is confident the issue can be resolved swiftly. "Our squeezers are experts. Similar allegations concerning the satsuma and the blood orange have also been made by major restaurants, but we can't cover everything. We're paid via tax money and have to spend it sensibly."

MEPs are to discuss the consistency of gherkins at an emergency sitting of the EU Parliament on Thursday. Members from several parties have filed a motion to standardize the 'sucking feeling' experienced when biting into a pickled cucumber.

"If I suck on something, I want to know what I'm sucking on and what will happen", explained Ruud van Daddel, European Deputy Secretary of Trade for Beans, Peppers, Pumpkins and Pickled Items.
"People elected us to sort these things out, and that's what we're ghoing to do. We've got to deliver."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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