Written by Tommy Lynch
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Topics: Manchester, Salford

Wednesday, 30 September 2015

There have been fewer migrant incursions into the Channel Tunnel as word spreads through the Calais camp about what life in Britain is really like.

I come to Britain because I thought it was fair, decent and beautiful country," said one man who identified himself only as 'Sam.'

Instead I learn it is a place of bigotry, cruelty and drizzle and the Old Salford Sense of Humour . I think Calais camp is nicer.

There have been numerous tactics deployed to prevent migrants from entering the UK through the Channel tunnel including lines of reporters and photographers at the incursion points, limiting the complimentary wine on Euro star, and Songs of Praise.

Though none have had as dramatic an effect on incursion numbers as a fundamental understanding of what Britain is truly like.

I have just seen copy of Daily Mail," said a teenage boy clutching a carrier bag containing all his worldly possessions.

I shall return to Syria and live in my hole in the ground instead. You poor, poor British people."

The UK Government is now planning to send volunteers to Calais with pictures of Salford, repeats of the last two Manchester City matches, a mobile phone contract, an Argos catalogue, some Dripping sandwiches, Sunday evening television, rain and a guide to Salford Shopping Centre..

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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