Britain has been seized by a Mad Demon who is about to end all civilised behaviour in the country.
With the cover of a name culled from the Bible J.C. has struck terror into the heart of this great democratic nation.
We have to beware. Out security is at stake.
This figure is threatening to have trains running on time with carriages sufficient for every passenger. This dangerous proposal has upset all right thinking people who are fearing that they will not have excuses for turning up late at work.
'All working people will be distressed at this outrage on our railways' screamed an enraged Prime Minister.
Another grave shock has been that Parliamentary Questions will not be a slinging match between two people unable to make a point without insulting anyone.
Old Etonians are shocked at this weak cave in to civilised behaviour.
'Where will our glorious country be without a scrum down in the Chamber' moaned a distraught PM.