Written by Simon Saunders
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Friday, 31 July 2015

image for UKIP Unveil Proposals To Solve Migrant Crisis
Pull up the drawbridge, we're full. According to UKIP.

With thousands of desperate migrants attempting to enter the UK through the channel tunnel, UKIP have come up with a number of ideas designed to make the problem go away.

In a press conference this morning, UKIP's immigration spokesman, Ozzy Mosley, revealed their new policies on border security.

After goose stepping his way into the room, he told assembled journalists, some of whom are actually literate, "Unfortunately, as much as we'd like to we can't cull foreigners, something to do with the Human Rights Act prevents us from doing that. We can't shoot them on sight either. Well, since we can't use traps anymore to catch pests like foxes, badgers and liberals how about we use them on these pesky immigrants? Set them up just outside our entrance to the Chunnel. Job done."

Open mouthed journalists pressed Mr Mosley on what he'd do with those who managed to avoid the "migrant traps."

He elaborated, "Well, we'd position automatic taser guns just beyond the traps. They'd be programmed to go off whenever someone with brown skin goes past, or people who look a bit foreign."

Mr Mosley went on, "Any who get past these deterrents will be rounded up by men in black shirts, put in giant catapults on the beautifully white cliffs of Dover before being fired back to the continent while 'Rule Britannia' plays in the background."

After the press conference had ended, Mr Mosley, not realising he was still mic'd up, wandered off while chatting to a colleague, "I wish we could just shut the channel tunnel. Make the buggers swim here, or set sail in rickety old fishing boats. Most of them would drown before they got here. We can't propose that though. Bloody do gooders would have a field day. Honestly, what's this country become?"

Meanwhile, a Labour party spokeswoman told us, "These proposals are ludicrous. The channel tunnel was supposed to be a tunnel of love between the UK and mainland Europe. It would seem that UKIP would prefer it to be a tunnel of blood. Unbelievable."

Furthermore, US presidential candidate Donald Trump, who's in Scotland to watch the Women's Open at his Turnberry resort, claims he will be suing UKIP for stealing his border security ideas.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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