Written by Simon Saunders
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Tuesday, 28 July 2015

image for Lordy! Lordy! Sniffy Baron Sewel Resigns
Nothing to see here. Move along now.

Labour peer Baron Sewel, of Gilcomstoun in the District of the City of Aberdeen, has resigned from the House of Lords after footage of him allegedly snorting cocaine and entertaining prostitutes, while definitely wearing a fetching bra and leather jacket combo, was obtained by The Sun on Sunday.

The Lord, full name John Buttifant Sewel (yes, Buttifant), 69, issued an apology but denied using cocaine and prostitutes at his swish Dolphin Square apartment in central London.

We visited him in his office and the Red Baron told us, "I was not snorting cocaine and the ladies were not prostitutes. Although I must admit I was wearing a bra and leather jacket. I've worn a bra for while. When you get to my age you do need a little support, even as a man."

Not a great start to his so called apology.

He continued, "I've had my nose in the political trough for a long time (sniff), and it needed a damn good wash (sniff, sniff), I was sniffing talcum powder to ensure it was properly dry (sniff). The ladies, both nasal cleaning experts, were there to assist me in the cleansing process. They helped by positioning the talc in the trough between their breasts. It's all very innocent (sniff, sniff)."

Still waiting for his apology, we interjected to ask why he was resigning if he'd done nothing wrong. After some prolonged tapping and sniffing from behind a suspicious looking curtain in his office, he continued, "Well (sniff), it looks bad. I hope my decision will limit and help repair the damage I've done to my septum, erm, myself. Finally, (sniff) I want to apologise to myself for the pain and embarrassment I've caused myself by wearing a bra that was far too tight (sniff)."

Finding his explanation a little unlikely we asked if he expected the public to believe him. He snorted, "Ha! Like I give a flying f#ck!" Before disappearing behind his mysterious curtain with a credit card and a suspicious looking bag of powder. "IT'S TALC!" Bellowed the Baron from the other side of his alleged coke curtain.

As a result of not doing anything wrong, the good Lord has surrendered his £84,000 a year role as Deputy Speaker of an old folks home, more familiarly known as the House of Lords.

We attempted to speak to Lord Sewel's wife, Jennifer, but her PA answered the phone and told us she was unavailable at the moment as she was hiding all her expensive bra's in preparation for her husbands return home.

Meanwhile, earlier today cops raided his Dolphin Square apartment looking for evidence of drug use but only found discarded bras and mucky books.

Many in the media suspect this won't be the last Dolphin Square apartment to be raided by cops, the other raids will probably be for entirely different reasons. Far more serious reasons.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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