Written by Jools M
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Topics: Motoring

Friday, 1 December 2006

image for UK Motorists to Face Execution Under New Scheme
Tough on traffic and tough on the causes of traffic

The government today unveiled its latest initiative in bid to cut the congestion on Britain's roads. Former British Airways chairman, Sir Rod Eddington was comissioned to carry out a study into the problems of congestion, and research results which cost the taxpayer £8bn were made public today.

"The study has concluded that the roads of Britain are very congested" declared Eddington. His staggering conclusion was backed up by the semi PM Gordon Brown who outlined the governments new road scheme which will come into effect in January.

Under the scheme, all roads in Britain are to become red routes with stopping and parking made illegal, and motorists are to be charged £8.50 per mile. Traffic offences currently covered under the road traffic act are to become criminal offences and anyone found parking or stopping on a public road will face a £1000 on the spot fine and will be placed permanently on the sex offenders register.

If a driver commits a second offence they will face an execution squad and will have their vehicle confiscated and crushed and if they are a home owner their property will be re-possessed.

The new regulations are to be enforced by highly trained enforcement officers. The department of transport is currently in Ghana and Nigeria on a recruitment drive to fill the 80,000 newly created positions. After extensive firearms and riot training, the new recruits will be given a 2 day course in English before taking up their posts.

Brown hailed the scheme as a "revolution in traffic management" and added, "the only way to really tackle this problem is to deal with the root cause, i.e cars and motorists, we will be tough on traffic and tough on the causes of traffic."

Upon hearing details of the scheme Mayor of London Ken Livingstone commented "this is the happiest day of my life"

Government vehicles will be exempt from the new regulations.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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