Written by McFarlan Ford
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Topics: Motoring

Friday, 1 December 2006

image for Government Report States 'Motorists Will Pay to Enter Cars'
You won't go anywhere until you pay

A soon-to-be-released transport report from former British Airways chief Sir Cod Eddington is rumoured to include recommendations to the motor industry to change the way we enter our cars. The report covers 'revolutionary' solutions to Britain's traffic problem, including trains that work and airport plans that no-one will approve.

But the section concerning car manufacturers is set to raise eyebrows and ensure government hands rub together gleefully. Sir Cod explains: "I carefully looked at charges for using roads, a further increase in the congestion charge and other ways to line pockets, but I eventually scrubbed these ideas when I had a brainwave."

Sir Cod showed gathered reporters a car door, which instead of a needing a key to unlock it, had a credit card swipe machine next to the handle. He demonstrated with his Gold card that a simple flick would open the door. "Why bother charging motorists once they are in their cars, I thought; why not charge them to actually get in them instead!"

Under the recommendations, motorists would be charged around 10 pounds to enter their cars, with passengers gaining the driver a 50 pence discount. Concerns were raised about the ease of theft, however Sir Cod had already thought about this. "Each car has its own individual card, which will have a yearly subscription of around 250 pounds, so fraud will be impossible" Sir Cod assured.

Installation of the devices, upkeep and related call centres would create many jobs, allowing the public opportunities to gather funds in order to afford to enter their cars. "I have no idea why no-one has thought of this before", Sir Cod continued, "If we are going to exploit the motorist to the fullest extent, then let's just get on with it!"

The government is said to be welcoming the plans with open wallets, and the public with empty ones.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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