Written by Monkey Woods
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Topics: Dogs, Murder, Walking

Tuesday, 5 May 2015

image for Man Walking Dog In Woods Doesn't Find Murder Victim
Alphonse the Golden Retriever earlier

A man walking his dog in a wooded area near Evesham has told friends how, despite expecting to any minute, he didn't find a mutilated corpse, the victim of some gruesome revenge killing or spontaneous, frenzied 'rape-gone-wrong'.

The man, Ernest Nutkins, was walking his family's pet dog, Alphonse - a Golden Retriever - at dinnertime on Saturday, and, as the mutt ran off to rummage about in a particularly overgrown area, Nutkins feared the worst.

He said:

"I've read Whitehead's report. All the signs were there. Alphonse looked for all the world like he had found something, and it was odds-on it was going to be the rotting remains of some poor, defenceless young nymph who had got in the way of a freakish nutter. Either that, or the victim of a brutal Mafia-style hit, where the body has been riddled with bullets, and there is totally no face left. I approached as quiet as a mouse, almost too scared to look, but when I reached him, he was just having a shit," adding, "I'm pleased to say."

Police are not investigating.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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