A man walking his dog in a wooded area near Evesham has told friends how, despite expecting to any minute, he didn't find a mutilated corpse, the victim of some gruesome revenge killing or spontaneous, frenzied 'rape-gone-wrong'.
The man, Ernest Nutkins, was walking his family's pet dog, Alphonse - a Golden Retriever - at dinnertime on Saturday, and, as the mutt ran off to rummage about in a particularly overgrown area, Nutkins feared the worst.
"I've read Whitehead's report. All the signs were there. Alphonse looked for all the world like he had found something, and it was odds-on it was going to be the rotting remains of some poor, defenceless young nymph who had got in the way of a freakish nutter. Either that, or the victim of a brutal Mafia-style hit, where the body has been riddled with bullets, and there is totally no face left. I approached as quiet as a mouse, almost too scared to look, but when I reached him, he was just having a shit," adding, "I'm pleased to say."
Police are not investigating.