(Or, actually what Cameron meant to say but didn't, being the gentleman that he is and everything.)
"Over the last five years, we have placed our country, according to our business partners' demands, in the U.S. and elsewhere, under total bureaucratic control. Five years ago, Britain was on the brink, now it is down the gurgler. As the outgoing Labour Treasury Minister put it with brutal candour, "there is no money". Since then, we have turned things around. Now you owe money, shit-loads of it... to our friends and brothers the bankers.
This has not happened by accident. It is the result of difficult decisions and of patiently working through our long-term economic plan. Above all, it is the product of back-room gamesmanship, in which every one of Freemason Lodges, every Fleet Street subservient and every television network has played its loyal part. The successful concealment of Jimmy Savile's misdemeanours for over fifty years and similar cases gives clear evidence, does it not?, of the efficiency of our system of Sheeple management. Transparency is what this government is about, after all. The public's interests must always and irrevocably come first and without a Police Force answerable only to the people this would not be possible. We must be grateful for that.
This Manifesto sets out our plan to organize your life for you the way you would want it organized, if only you had our superior intellects and our ruthless determination to control everything you see, touch, hear, think and feel. It is a plan for a hopeless future - for you and for your family.
It is a plan for every stage of your life; for that is why you put us in office... to take total and absolute control of your lives from birth to death. That is what politics is meant to do. You were best never to forget it. For democracy is what our great nation is founded upon. And democracy is the total and absolute rule of the majority by the elite elected by you.
Thus, for your new-born baby, there will be the world's first National Health chipping service. For your child, there will be a place at an excellent school... far, far, far removed from the proper schools we well-heeled conservatives send our kids to, where they learn how to control the Muggle Sheeple and build their private, global empires from the word go. As you look for your first job, we are building a healthy economy that provides a good career for you with a decent income, probably in France or Germany.... or in the colony we have since taken renewed control of... Australia.
As you look for that first home, we will make sure the banks are there to fleece you and the carefully controlled interest rates on your pathetic mortgage keeps you tethered to your worthless jobs for life. And we need good waiters and bellhops in this country, let's be honest, good mindless, qualified paper-shufflers especially, beguiled teachers, traffic wardens, fantasist soldiers and our private bodyguard the Police Force. More than anything, we need ambitious, reliable lawyers without remorse or conscience who can implement our will and protect the rules of International Law that we have drawn up in our own interests, without which our rampant, free-market imperialism would be impossible.
These are the people who make Britain great and she will hold her head high as she takes her rightful place in the New World Order we all work so diligently towards, where force not reason will hold sway, greed not compassion, demoralized control freaks, not considerate human beings, nihilism and self-abuse, not spiritual values or individual destiny: Where training and recruitment of egocentric, alienated belligerents will keep you all submissive and fearful of one another and totally at the mercy of our computer-driven, fascist bureaucracy without which our interests can neither be concealed from prying eyes nor yield, regular, mind-blowing profits for we worthy few. Would there be any charities if you, the Sheeple, did not work harder and harder and ever more selflessly to make us richer?
As you raise your family, we will make sure your children are suitably brainwashed with what we need them to believe, and, above all, clinically confused as to the nature of life itself as we continue to fudge the line between fantasy and reality; confused, above all, as to their own worth and identity, even at the biological level. Virtual Reality about which we have prudently prevented any worthwhile discussion in the media over the last decade will soon make its exciting appearance... and then dear Sheeple we will own you. Game, set and match.
And, as you grow older, we will ensure that you will have access to euthanasia and expensive, medicated care at every step of your miserable decline. So help us God."