Written by Stevey G.
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Wednesday, 22 April 2015

image for Isle of Wight residents rejoice at opening of Food Bank on island
Aunt Bessie's deposit at Shanklin Food Bank

Residents of Shanklin, on the Isle of Wight, were in high spirits yesterday after receiving the announcement that the town was to be the location of the island's first official Food Bank.

'It's absolutely marvellous', gushed Betty Bigglesthwaite,76, who has worked in the local Post Office since 1953.'It will be just like it was after the war when there was not much money and we all bartered with home-made food and produce. Now that there will be an official Food Bank, we will not have to worry about where to store it.'

Local Councillor, Albert Throggston, 67, was equally effusive. 'It's a great honour for Shanklin and will be of great benefit to it's residents,' he said at a press conference earlier today. 'Whilst inflation is at an all-time low, food is still a very expensive commodity. The contents of my freezer alone could add up to a pretty penny and would be a magnet for vagabonds and opportunist thieves. It's a great weight off my mind that I can now deposit the food in a safe and secure location.'

Sandra Lardarse, 42, pointed out another advantage. 'I'm currently trying to shed 14 stone in time for my wedding in 6 weeks,' she explained. 'At the moment I keep getting up in the night and picking on sweets and chocolates in the pantry. Once they are all safely locked up in the Food Bank, then no more night-time feasts for me!'

In light of the reaction from the residents of Shanklin, it is likely that the island's first Sperm Bank will be situated elsewhere.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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