David Cameron and a wooden effigy of Chancellor George Osborne have denied they are class bigots who plan to reintroduce medieval feudalism if re elected. Perched on horses and speaking at a torchlit pre-election press conference in a Norman castle, both laughed off suggestions that they hate poor people. "Nothing could be further from the truth." raved Cameron " i know all our punitive measures against the NHS and welfare make us look like a reactionary fringe who want the masses to do all the work while we live it up in Knightsbridge. I know it looks bad. But really it's been the complete opposite all along, we're all in this together. Big Society!"
Most of Cameron's speech was difficult to make out as he was wearing a 14th Century suit of armour with the visor muffling his words. George Osborne's wooden effigy remained mute throughout, although a Tory official did mimic his voice when needed to say "I agree with Cameron" at several points. Cameron denied his sudden volte face was pre-empted by election tactics.
"If you vote for Labour people like George and I will have to find alternative forms of work such as Celebrity Bargain Hunt with all the other Tories. Is this in the British public's best interests. Really?"
Cameron then went on to explain how he still kept in regular touch with his butler 'Chap' from his days at Oxford. "He gets thruppence from me every Chrismas."