Written by Auntie Matter
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Tuesday, 31 March 2015

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The Sabre-Tooth Lawyer

A man thought to be "Lawyer" was spotted lurking outside Midlands Bank in Kensington, London, yesterday. It is not known what type of Lawyer he was... but all are dangerous. This one was heavily disguised in a pinstripe suit and carried an umbrella and briefcase. Witnesses said he was simply standing there pretending to read a newspaper but was apparently studying the reflections of possible prey in the bank window. One female witness said he was taking photographs and communicating with his pack by phone. She had to be sedated.

"When he turned and stared at me, I nearly fainted," she reported."His jaw fell open and I could see all his teeth. I have never been so frightened in all my life. I had read about them but had never actually seen one in the flesh."

The Lawyer who has been under police surveillance for some time has been known to make threats without any provocation but had not been seen to actually attack anyone... yet. It is advised not to accost him in person.

It is not known what pack this one belongs to, but law firm CEO Keith Schillings of London who are not only permitted to own them but to rent them out, issued a statement saying that he his not one of theirs. "Ours must sign a confidentiality agreement not to roam singly too far from our lair," he explained.

Lawyers in general are merciless carnivores and would be impounded and kept in quarantine for the sake of humanity were it not for the fact that they are licensed and protected by law. It is argued that they are an essential part of the food chain and function to keep lesser but more ubiquitous rodents such as accountants, newspaper editors, PR internet bloggers and bank managers at bay. Some dispute this and have been campaigning to have them made extinct. The fear is that another species make take their place even worse than they are.

If you should have the misfortune to accost a "Lawyer" in your area you are advised to phone the police immediately. It is also advised that everyone should carry a torch.

There are only two types of Lawyer known to animal experts, the Striped and the Sabre-Tooth. Both are carnivores. They fear nothing and nobody and only hunt in packs. They hunt at night and have their own lairs in and around big cities. They are quite approachable until you get too near... and then.... Never turn your back on a Lawyer, not even a Striped one.

They do not respond well to light. If you shine a light in their eyes they will scarper... but only for a short time. They will return to get you, light or no light, wherever you are, or however safe you think you are.

"Lawyers" outside of their natural habitat are less of a threat; but among their own kind they can be lethal as they know they have the backup of the pack. The dreaded Sabre Tooth Lawyer is a threat to all and fears nothing... except another Lawyer.

The Sabre-Tooth could be considered "King" of the urban jungle but physically he is closer to the Sloth or the Tasmanian Devil than the big cats and lacks totally the dignity and panache of the lion, although, in his blind arrogance, he thinks he is regal all the way through. That is what makes him so dangerous.

Be warned! Never assume that if you spot a "Lawyer" in the wild he is on his own. If he is, as was the recent case in London, he will try to blend in with surrounding humans. This is almost never the case.

The Lawyer kills because he can and once he has landed his prey he simply tosses its cadaver to the rest of his kind to be devoured. Older lawyers are given the best cuts. If he is not hungry he is content to maim his prey for life and will let it go back into the undergrowth to suffer a lingering death, such is his cruelty. Every other creature in the jungle is at its mercy, especially media people and creative people who imagine they are safe and no harm can come to them.

They will attack anything in front of them. Free Masons alone seem to be acceptable to them. They will never attack a Free Mason or any of his friends. Free Masons and quite a few celebrities indeed keep them as pets. It is said that no successful individual is without a Sabre-Tooth Lawyer or within range of one, for there is no better guard dog.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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