Written by Leo Montford
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Wednesday, 4 February 2015

image for TV bosses commission Jeremy Kyle on Death Row and confirms he will be executed live on television
The delightful old british noose

Television bosses have commissioned a thought provoking documentary series staring TV bully Jeremy Kyle investigating life on death row. Kyle and crew will travel to Indiana in order to investigate and give a clear insight on the matter. They, however, have also commissioned an hour long entertainment broadcast which will feature the execution of Jeremy Kyle by hanging.

The first part of Jeremy Kyle on Death Row will be a TV special in the same vein as the the earlier two-part series Inside Death Row with Trevor McDonald.

The documentary will feature Kyle meeting inmates on death row where Kyle will patronize and humiliate the inmates for the entertainment of Jeremy Kyle's profoundly thick audience and presumably nobody else with an IQ higher than 55. Jeremy Kyle will also stand by on a number of the inmates' executions and call them "scum" as the electricity passes through their bones, boils their insides and ultimately kills them to death. During some of these executions Kyle will burn a picture of a long dead relative or spoon feed the roasting inmate a cat turd pot noodle and in one instance he will even do the barbaric act of eating a scotch egg and then breathing it in the face of the inmate making it the only smell less favorable than the smell of their own burning flesh.

The second half however will be a 2 hour long entertainment production on behalf of Syco television and will air at 7 o'clock on a Saturday night and will be hosted by Ant and Dec and will make use of Britain's finest variety performers who will perform between shots of an understandably anxious and sweaty palmed Jeremy Kyle awaiting his live execution.

The execution itself will not be through the usage of the electric chair but through the more British, charming and much missed method of hanging.

Kyle commented by saying "I am looking far forward to my live execution. I can't wait to die. You know what they say if you're going to go out then do it in style. I'd like to see Matthew Wright try something like this - bloody spineless milk-toast".

Jeremy Kyle on Death Row will be shown later this year. There will also be a companion show hosted by Stephen Mulhern called Jeremy Kyle on Death Row: You Can Make Me Dance, Swing or Anything and will feature a number of fifth-rate celebrity guests.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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