Written by Auntie Jean
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Saturday, 24 January 2015

image for Isle of Wight News - All Prisoners In H.M.P Isle of Wight To Be Released Into Community
Pharmacists applying suppositories to convicts

A pill which cures prisoners of the urge to commit crimes is to be given to all inmates of H.M.P Isle of Wight. The pill's effects, which although it has to be administered daily, mean that all prisoners will remain completely law abiding as long as they take the pill.

A side effect will be that the Island will then be populated almost entirely by drug controlled ex convicts. One criticism voiced by the Prison Officers Union representative this morning was that on bank holidays, Sundays and festival days, the chemist's shops will be closed and, as the pills will have to be taken in pessary form and administered by a pharmacist, the convicts will consequently metamorphose into Dr. Jekylls on those days.

The fear is that they will all pillage their way around the island. A tourism spokeswoman said, "Well we will just have to play cops and robbers then, its sometimes as dead as a doornail around here anyway. I think that the number of students wishing to enter the pharmacy industry will drop as they see the queues of convicts waiting for their suppositories putting up their arses each morning".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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