Written by Auntie Jean
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Tuesday, 20 January 2015

image for Carpentry - Jesus Impressed By Modern Technology

A man looking uncannily like a medieval representation of Jesus Christ and wearing what was later proved to be a bootleg copy of the Turin Shroud rushed on stage at the Scunthorpe annual carpentry conference yesterday.

The man took over control of the microphone and delivered a surprising speech "praising" technological advances such as M.D.F. (medium density fibreboard), plywood, electric planes, drills and modern epoxy based adhesives.

The man identified as a Jesus Christ impersonator and known to police as "Christ on a Bike" was found to be Jesus Jose Maria Gomez Mendez Fernandez and possibly of Hispanic origin.

Six hundred bootleg "Turin Shrouds" have been siezed at nearby Goole outdoor market.

The siezing by James Bond's MI6 department, sparked fears of more impersonations in the 'run up' to Easter. The S.A.C.C have invited Jesus back as a guest speaker at the 2016 conference, with the provision that he shows manuscripts of any intended speeches to the committee two weeks in advance, in line with other speakers and does not dress in bootleg shrouds or sandals.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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