Written by Liv Lavelle
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Monday, 19 January 2015

image for PM Vows 100% Employment
School children will be expected to work full time

BBC News has reported today that David Cameron has pledged the Tories will help Britain become "a nation of full employment." He has not stated a specific time frame for these proposals but hopes that they will happen soonish.

This announcement appears to have come in response to a bet Mr Cameron has made with the Chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkel, where employment is currently beating the UK at 74%.

Get Children Employed

But perhaps the most shocking revelation of the PM's pledge was the way in which the Conservatives are planning to achieve this 100% employment (but 75% will do to beat the Germans). David Cameron has asserted that no matter how old or young you are, you should be working for the good of the country, and so that he can beat Angela Merkel.

The Prime Minister is planning to announce later that what he means by full employment is, "you, your family and your children having a job and getting on in life." The inclusion of children in the proposals has raised concerns from some members of the public who are worried this may see a regression to 19th Century attitudes to child labour.

There is expected to be outcry from children's services, however due to public spending cuts they are currently under immense pressure and therefore an immediate response is unlikely. Incidentally the new child workforce could be expected to help run children's services themselves in the near future should the proposals go ahead.

The Education System is Full of Children

David Cameron's new proposals are also likely to have a big impact on education. Currently, there are too many young people studying full time in this country, causing a massive financial strain on the government who would much rather spend the money on more free lunches from Pret.

Attempts to cut public spending on education has been met with strong public outcry over the past 4 years and so the PM expects the new 'full employment' proposal will please those currently in opposition of Osborne's austerity measures, after all who needs education when you already have a job by the age of 5?

David Cameron is confident that these proposals will be met with cheers from the rest of his party and that he will of course win that pint from Angela Merkel should the Conservatives be reelected in May.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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