Written by Bryan McManus
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Topics: Robots, Pies, Butcher

Friday, 21 November 2014

image for Robot Butchers wins pie making award
Take me to your suet

Archibald Braithwait is a 3rd generation master butcher however he has been gazumped by his 5th generation robot butcher in this years annual pie making awards held in Edinburgh.

Braithwait & Sons & Son introduced technology to their butchers shop back in 1976 when they replaced their beaten old chopping boards with an original Apple 1 computer which they had been told would revolutionise the butcher industry. they quickly realised however they had been had by a smooth talking computer salesmen after they placed a large shank of lamb atop the computer and waited to be amazed by its awesome chopping power, after 14 and a half hours of nothing happening Harald Braithwaite took matters into his own hands by butchering the lamb and binning the computer cursing the day technology and forward thinking ever entered his shop, however Harald's son Archibald knew that one day he could combine technology and butchery.

Archibald studied butchery with his father by day and at night attended the local youth club to play with their ZX Spectrum, despite becoming club champion at Daley Thomsons Decathalon he could not persuade his father to purchase another computer for the shop. On his death bed Harald declared that computers would only enter his shop over his dead body so Archibald buried his father beneath the front door of the shop then ordered a brand new Amstrad CPC464 and made sure it was brought in by the front door, fulfilling his fathers dying wish.

Armed with his new machine and a burning ambition Archibald began to learn to code and showed exceptional skills which saw him approached by one Steve Jobs who offered Archibald the opportunity to develop his skills at Apple. Archibald jumped at the chance and from Apple progressed to working at NASA and was successful in sending an unmanned rocket containing sausage rolls and a steak pie into orbit. Archibald went on to be recognised as the worlds leading expert in meat based technology products and launched, Steak Bytes, a product for astronauts aboard the International Space Station which not only tasted delicious but could relay the astronauts vital statistics back to mission control.

Archibald built his first robot butcher in 2003 however it had to be decommissioned following a malfunction which resulted in what can only be described as a bloodbath at the World Butchery & Knive Skills contest in Ohio. Undeterred Archibald created another Robot in 2009 which has been operating in his family shop since then, the robot was originally designed to weigh meat for customers however has been allowed to progress to kneading dough for the shop pies and went on to create its very own range of Bio-Pies. The pastry loving cyborg was in raptures when declared winner at the pie awards this week and is now hoping to win the world championship when he takes his pies to compete at the Global event in Japan next March.

Archibald failed to install a voicebox in the robot however he spoke on behalf of his creation and said "my father Harald would be proud that the hydraulic addition to our family has put the name Braithwait on the pie making map, I myself am stunned at the award especially as I think the pies are completely inedible".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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