Written by IainB
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Monday, 17 November 2014

image for Isle of Wight News - Record Breaking Mole-Hill
Professor Yafford stands atop the hill mole.

The Isle of Wight has yet another world record to add to the burgeoning collection of records held in Newport Town hall, when it was discovered that the World's Largest Mole Hill has been discovered in Merstone.

"Not many people visit Merstone," said lifelong Merstone resident, Myrtle Stone, 74. "So I think this is why the mole-hill's gone unnoticed for so long."

The Mole-hill of Merstone, as it has come to be known, was found in the back garden of Myrtle Stone, and stands at an impressive eighty-seven metres, making it not only the largest mole Hill on the planet, but also the largest actual hill on the island.

"I noticed it 'bout four summers ago," said Myrtle. "I woke up one morning, looked out me kitchen window and thought, what the fuck is that?"

Upon investigation, 'that' was discovered to be a molehill.

"I got our Brian to come and look at it," said Myrtle, referring to her son, Brian Stone, 37, who lives in Brighstone. "He said it was a stupid big moleHill and I should have it removed."

Myrtle got in touch with the council, who sent a molE hill removal team over to her garden, however, upon discovery of the size of it, they said it would take some special kind of insurance, and Myrtle would have to pay it.

"I told em to fuck off when I heard that," she said.

For the past two years the molehiLL has lain unnoticed in Mrs Stone's back-garden, until it was spotted by Professor Yafford of Yarmouth university out walking his ducks. He recognised it for what it was, and now the world record for the world's highest mileholl is firmly in the hands of the island council. It can be viewed on Tuesday afternoons in Newport Town Hall, when accompanied by an ice cream seller.

"I'm guessing they're using this as another excuse to not remove the fucking thing," said Myrtle. "Typical."

The Isle of Wight News apologise for Myrtle's use of language. And the reporter's inability to spell mollhile.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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