Written by Herrdoktorfox
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Topics: X-Factor

Tuesday, 4 November 2014

image for "Last One Standing"
"Eye, Eye, nearly a nasty one!"

A furious X-Factor fan slammed ITV last night after Cheryl Fernandez-Vaselini-Esperanza-Maximina's performance caused him to have a massive erection without warning!

Habitual masturbator Dick Rasch, 87, suffered near blindness when he prematurely ejaculated into his left eye while watching a half naked Cheryl mime new song 'Gizza Shag Pet' on Sunday night then tripped over his cat.

He switched on his 55inch LG television part way through the show and missed a warning about Cheryl appearing half naked with her pert derriere and growler hanging out at the start.

The retired flasher and porn video salesman, of Fulham, West London, says another alert should have been given immediately before the lavish performance to enable him to have a couple of tissues ready!

Dick said: "Why didn't they bleedin' warn me? It's absolutely feckin' ridiculous, there I was strides around me ankles, ready to have a long leisurely stroke before, hopefully, knocking one out like.

I had been watching the show and applied the KY and felt fine. It literally came out of nowhere. I tried to cover me eyes as soon as she started miming but it was too late-one look at that flesh and I had this instant rampant erection. I haven't had one of these for a very long time and it was most certainly Cheryl's bare flesh that triggered it!

It was awful as I was by meself and I could taste it in me mouth and me eye were all bleary and I was sick all over the bloody Radio Times before tripping over the feckin' cat. I started to come round after the performance then I spent the rest of feckin' evening cleaning the stains off the sofa!"

Dick, who has suffered virtual erectile dysfunction since his 22 year old Thai bride ran off with the Bulgarian window cleaner in 2008 had resorted to habitual masturbation upon his Doctor's advice, the latter being to bloody mean to prescribe him any Viagra."They need stricter guidelines, they should warn viewers with ED.

They should also give warning if a programme has images that could trigger a sudden rampant erection."

Dick, who lives alone, has complained to TV regulators Ofcom.

An X-Factor spokesman said last night: "Under her existing contract with Mr Simone Cashcow, Cheryl is obliged to get her kit off during every season of the X-Factor in order to perk up ever flagging TV ratings. It would appear that in this instance it had the desired effect upon Mr Rasch who in turn upped the ratings by one viewer.

In the event, and as a gesture of goodwill Cheryl has offered to pay for any stain removing products that Mr Rasch has had to purchase on account of her erotic movements. Furthermore, she would like him to know that heretofore she assumed that the only wanker's remotely interested in the show where her fellow panellists, Mr Walsh and Mr

Cashcow?

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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