Written by Herrdoktorfox
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Topics: Police, Death

Wednesday, 29 October 2014

image for I'm long, long, long gone.
Fred's groin adored her.

Police have issued details regarding the decomposed body of an elderly man who was recently discovered in a Tesco car park in Romford, Essex, where they say he may have lain dead for many, many years or more!

Officers found the badly decomposed body slumped over a knackered shopping trolley in the far corner of the vast car park after geriatric trolley collector; Frederick Groins, 98, noticed a nauseating smell and rang them.

"Due to me age and mobility issues I don't get over to the far eastern corner of the car park very often" said Fred, "It pretty much takes me all bleedin' day to round up a dozen trolleys as it is, what with me heart, knee's and other medical problems like!"

Local Tesco manager, Vladimir Polonkofski informed Police that regrettably, the far eastern corner of the car park seldom got serviced due to Fred's severe mobility issues, acrophobia and myopia problems thus, the area had sadly become a sort of 'elephant burial ground' for knackered trolleys over the years.

"If truth be known we really should have pensioned Fred off years ago" said Mr Polonkofski, "but under existing laws we are somewhat hamstrung if a long serving member of staff should choose not to retired and sadly, in this instance, it is doubly regrettable that the area was not serviced long ago."

Meanwhile, having returned from a long overdue toilet break Fred had informed Police that initially his suspicions were aroused, along with his nether regions, when very slowly assisting a young, blue-eyed, well endowed blond load her shopping in the back of her car. "As that geezer on the telly used to sing; Me eyes adored her, though I never laid a hand on her me eyes adored her, in a mini skirt so short I could have had her from behind a dozen times or so, so close, so close and yet so far away…............phwoar!

"As she drove off I sussed a really bad pong, the like of which I ain't never smelt since I accidentally shook hands with Dave Cameron during his last election campaign. I followed me instincts of course and checked me underwear first for any accidents like, and within a few hours made it over to the eastern corner. Gawd! O'Riley there it was, a pile of decomposed shit and shopping, like a bleedin' scene from that Simone Cashcow reality show, you know the one…'the walking dead'!

The Police originally ruled out the possibility of the decomposed body being another middle ages Royal such as Richard the Third and have named the corpse as one, Maurice Golightly,89, who apparently went 'missing' in 2006 having set off to buy some cat food for his fussy dog.

Police said the death was not considered suspicious as the post-mortem revealed that Mr Golighty died of a heart attack, almost certainly brought on when he checked the inflated prices paid on his Tesco till receipt. However, they are extremely concerned about the overall welfare of Mr Golightly's dog, 'Nasher' a pit bull, who has not been fed for a number of years and may by now be a danger to the general public!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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