Today The Spoof can exclusively reveal that police have discovered a soap star smuggling scam. It's thought that there is a 'Mr Big' on the set of EastEnders who is making a fortune out of taking poor unfortunate actors at the end of their BBC contracts and setting up tawdry and sometimes non-existent deals with ITV to get them into the likes of the Bill.
Detective Inspector Len Floorcloth told The Spoof's crime correspondent Al Capone:
"We began to get suspicious when one or two of them started turning up on the Bill after having disappeared from Albert Square. Nobody major at first, just bit-parters you know?
The stakes were then raised when Mark Fowler (TV's Tucker Jenkins) turned up a few years ago though we believed it was probably just a one off, but when Kathy Beale appeared recently we knew there was something fishy going on"
The undercover operation came to a head this week, when acting on a tip-off from a showbiz insider, Floorcloth's team raided a container parked on the back lot of Elstree studios.
"It was terrible. I've been on the force now for twenty five years and I ain't seen nothing like it. Sickening it was" said a visibly shaken Inspector.
He went on to describe how he and his team found Dirty Den, Arthur Fowler, Ali from Oz Cabs, Sue, little Hassan and Lofty all cowering in the back of the container.
"It was shocking. All you could hear was: Oh darling you were wonderful: My agent says he's got me a smashing part: I'm going to play the Chief Super etc.etc"
"I felt terrible at having to let them down" added Floorcloth, "Particularly little Hassan, as he's now a twenty-three year old but is still chasing child star parts. He was devastated when we showed him a mirror. We was gutted for him"
It's believed that the net is closing in on the evil mastermind behind this vile trade and that The Spoof will hopefully be able to reveal their identity in the near future.