Written by Mark Lowton
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Topics: Drugs, Crime

Thursday, 23 November 2006

image for Police to Pay Criminals to not commit Crime
This scheme's as sound as a pound

Following the recent news that the police will be offering heroin to criminals in order to wean them off crime and onto hard drugs, the same think-tank is now reporting that a more sustainable idea is to pay the criminals in hard cash to not commit crimes.

The Home Office hopes this new scheme will allow them to address the overcrowding of Britain's prisons, allowing inmates to be released into the community. The also hope it will allow them to release any newly convicted criminals in a 'turnstile' fashion.

According to the British Crime Survey (BCS), in 2005/06 two homes in every hundred were burgled. The Home Office insists that these crimes were premeditated and the criminals committed and sold the goods on for cash to buy drugs and guns.

"We thought we'd tackle the problem by giving the criminals heroin, since that's why they're committing these thefts in the first place," a Home Office spokesperson explained. "But since the war in Afghanistan started, fewer poppy farmers are able to supply the west with heroin and it's becoming increasingly difficult to source enough drugs to feed the UK criminal population."

Once a criminal has signed a form promising not to commit any crime, he/she will then receive a stipend of at least £80 per day. This figure will be larger depending on the number and severity of the criminal's previous convictions, akin to performance related pay.

If a criminal continues to commit further offences their stipend will be increased until they stop.

It is predicted that this scheme will initially cost the UK government £6bn per day.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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