THE KING IS DEAD BUT LONG LIVED THE KING
Thirteenth century monarch Richard the Turd has been found dead in a car park in Leicestershire. That was the shock revelation handed to a stunned nation by a group of archaeologists yesterday after they happened upon the newly decomposing corpse during a dig for Roman artefacts. Said one history buff who help made the discovery:
"We are gob-smacked and at first finding him pecked our heads. As far as we were concerned, the Turd died in 1485 and was buried at sea. It was shocking at first, finding him just underneath some freshly laid tarmac like that. But then we sold the film rights the very next day. We are now delighted because it isn't as if we decided to go and dig up a freshly dead monarch at a random Leicestershire car park so it was quite the unexpected but highly lucrative find as far as we were concerned!!"
RICHARD DEAD FOR ONLY DAYS
The controversial monarch and alleged nephew killer was originally thought to have died 600 years ago. Now a crack team of coroners at the East Midlands Pathology Unit have declared that Richard could not have died any more than a few days ago, after they raced through the night to determine a time of death shortly after the corpse was found.
WITNESSES COME FORWARD
Since the shock announcement was made, several people have come forward to confirm that they saw Richard die as a result of a brawl at a Leicester city centre nightclub in the early hours of Saturday morning.
Said one witness to the ancient monarch's recent demise;
"He looked like an idiot. He was drunk and he was dressed stupidly. It was scary. The folks that beat him to death were left with no choice but to do so. It was clear that he was suffering from Herpes and people wanted him dead before he made use of the toilet facilities and gave everyone the clap. It kicked off after someone told him to take his meds and go back to the loony bin".
NOW REGICIDE ALLEGED
Another witness has admitted to taking part in the attack and told The Spoof,
"It was us or him and so we killed him and buried him under the tarmac. He looked like a mad person and we're always being told that under the Government's "Couldn't Care Less in the Community" scheme, we are allowed to batter people like that to death in the street. It saves the Tories having to foot the bill to keep them alive. But since it happened, they've all been accusing us of Regicide and we have fled to the Isle of Wight, which has no extradition treaty with the UK. This is inconvenient in the extreme. People need to stop whinging about it. We have jobs and homes to go to and everyone thought he was dead anyway, so we don't see what the problem is."
SIGHTINGS OF MORE SEMI IMMORTAL EUROPEAN MONARCHS
As the suspected monarch slayers bemoaned their predicament, authorities look set to launch a full investigation into why nobody over the course of the last six centuries noticed that Richard was alive and well and frequenting night club dives in a town full of crisp eaters. Then, as the reality of the old King's super charged mortality rate sank in, tourists reported multiple sightings of Vlad the Impaler in Cleethorpes and Atilla the Hun in Aberystwyth. It also began to trend on Twitter that another European monarch, Queen Victoria is alive and living in a B&B in Morecambe. She is rumoured to be mourning Albert and piling on yet more weight and her live-in landlady was heard to say that "the silly fat cow" has become even more useless than she was before faking her own death at the turn of the century.
In separate developments, the beginnings of the most serious constitutional crisis ever to face Great Britain is emerging, based on the fact that Richard The Turd enjoyed 529 unchronicled additional years on Planet Earth and would have certainly sired hundreds of heirs in that time, all of whom would be likely to declare themselves closer in line to the throne than the present incumbent, Queen lizard II.
A NATION MOURNS - ALL EXCEPT THE QUEEN
Books of condolences have been posted at the front of Sainsburys and Asda superstores across the length and breadth of the country. Already hundreds of thousands of mourners have flocked to leave their messages of support and sorrow, whilst thousands more surrounded Buckingham Palace with tents and sleeping bags, demanding to hear from "our Queen" in the country's hour of need. However, Lizard II is declining to return from her base in Balmoral and told well-wishers to "fuck off and die" in the middle of a church service she attended earlier today. She was later seen extending an index finger over the top of her own head whilst mouthing the word "dickheads" over and over through the window of the Royal motor vehicle.
Plans for a state funeral for Richard are already under way and the nation waits with bated breath to hear the spectacular details. Quite where this leaves the Windsor Family once the old king's body is finally put to rest remains to be seen.
By Ms I liesalot.