Written by Duff
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Topics: Food, Supermarkets

Wednesday, 22 November 2006

image for Survey Reveals Britain's Budget Supermarket Produce is 'Crap'
Beans, beans. They're good for your heart. The more you eat, the more you become malnourished and almost die

A shocking new survey has revealed that Britain's budget supermarkets sell nothing but cack, by and large. This will come as a shock to poor people in particular, who for years now, have been buying shoddy produce from these shysters and kidding themselves that this muck is actually edible and nutritious.

Lord Painsfurry, owner of the Piddle company has fought back against the survey's findings though. "Piddle grub is the best of food and I buy it on a weekly basis. OK not to actually eat it but their range of chicken, beef and faggots makes very passable dog food. Our Irish Wolfhound Seamus adores it"

Rickets-wracked Bernard Toaster who is a staunch defender of cheapo-cheapo retailers says, "Thanks to the likes of Piddle I have been able sample delicacies from round the world that otherwise a piece of scum like me could never have hoped to try.

If I was to go and shop in, say Markses, then I could barely afford a small tin of their beans, but for the same money I can go and do a big shop for the week in Piddleses"

When The Spoof asked how his scurvy infested wife and kids manage to survive on such a poor diet an almost skeletal rather pale and wan Bernard replied, "Well of course it's a struggle but with judicious budgeting we always seem leave just enough cash spare for our drink and ciggies. You gotta have a bit of luxury here and there or else life isn't worth living is it?"

Porker McTavish, the Government's top grub Tsar, is this week expected to announce a shake-up of food retailing in Britain and it's believed that, Piddleses in particular, may be forced to close its entire operation in Britain or else start selling something that approximates to real food.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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