Written by Talking Tic-Tacs
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Monday, 22 September 2014

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Tarantino is Rumoured to have offered Suarez this prop. He preferred his teeth.

English Premier League Chief Executive Richard Scudamore has came out today to strongly deny claims that the organisation have been employing Hollywood directors to script the outcome of matches.

Following yesterday's incredible drama where Chelsea legend Frank Lampard scored against his former club in his first appearance for title rivals Manchester City, Lampard was then applauded and cheered from all four corners of the ground in what was an uplifting finale to an enriching human drama. Exactly like Shawshank Redemption.

Suspicions were raised immediately after the match when pundit Graeme Souness mused that "you couldn't script this". One social media user tweeted "No, you most definitely could, and would script exactly what just happened there. Verbatim."

Scudamore laughed off the fact that he was sitting in the stands with Steven Spielberg and Richard Curtis, saying it was pure coincidence.

"Hahahahahaha" he said. "I don't see why I should sit here and argue that Lampard scoring against his old team, Rooney scoring against his od team, Van Persie scoring against his old team, Lukaku scoring against his old team, Adebayor scoring against his old team and Balotelli scoring against his old team is anything but natural sporting drama."

"Actually wait that last one's still in pre-production."

The player himself appeared emotional and conflicted by quickly cancelling out excited smiles with contrite frowns in his post-match interview and refused to celebrate his goal, adding weight to the suspicion that he and other players are now glorified actors.

Chief Executive Scudamore also played down the animated appearances of gory Reservoir Dogs director Quentin Tarantino at Liverpool v Chelsea in 2013, denying that he had written matches with Luis Suarez involved.

While Steven Spielberg has refuted claims that the match in question was infact a remake of Jaws.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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