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Wednesday, 22 November 2006

image for Tessa Jowl's husband pleads 'stigmata' defence
Artist's rendering of Mills in court

London - (Associated Mess): The estranged husband of UK Secretary of State for Vultures, Mediocrity and Spots Tessa Jowl is claiming an unusual religious defence in his Rome fraud trial where along with former Italian PM Silvia Berlusconi he is being dragged over the coals for twenty years of criminal racketeering.

David 'Dark Satanic' Mills has told the judge that the strain of the outrageous charges against him has produced a sign from The Lord in the form of 'stigmata' on his poor, beleagured shyster lawyer hands - which bleed profusely at the merest suggestion of guilt in the long-running criminal investigation into his business affairs.

Mills maintains that it would be 'cruel and unusual' to proceed with the fraud trial as the bleeding is contrary to the 9/11 Inhuman Rights Act as amended by the European Parliament following Berlusconi's arrest and indictment earlier this year.

But the Rome judges have so far resisted this defence and asked for an independent medical examination to corroborate earlier prosecution claims that traces of chicken blood and a used syringe had been found in Mills' hotel room prior to his first courtroom appearance earlier this week.

The case continues.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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