There's certainly not much ho ho ho this festive season down Knightsbridge way because Santa has been sent packing. London's top people's store is reeling with a scandal that my well just see them go to the wall or worse still!
Harrolds Bossman, Mumtaz Illtrythat, is said to be fuming like sulphuric acid in his 5th floor boardroom, sitting as is his wont, behind his fancy executive desk.
The trouble all started on Saturday when Lady Fiona Blatherslacks claimed that she had been 'groped up' by Santa, during a visit to the Harrolds grotto with her son Toby.
The tidy-looking upper class boiler told us:
"Toby had just hopped off Santa's knee and we turned to leave and the next thing I know is Santa's hand was planted on my bottom. He gave me a suggestive wink and leered all right darling? It was beastly" sobbed the tearful upper class woman.
Store bosses immediately launched an investigation into the incident and during their enquiries it came to light that Santa, Eric Wino (57), had a rap sheet as long as your arm for similar offences. He was dismissed on the spot.
However Santa, or Wino if you prefer, won't take this lying down and has vowed to clear his name.
"She was asking for it wearing that short skirt and all" leered Wino lecherously, before descending into the slough of filth and depravity that he is pleased to call his house near up-market Hampstead Village.
The Spoof says:
Get this kind of animal off our streets! It's certainly not what the Nation wants at this festive season.
Of course we must maintain our journalistic impartiality at all times. But still...eh?