Written by Dave Stewart
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Wednesday, 10 September 2014

POLICE have launched a man-hunt following the theft of letters and parcels from postal Pillar Boxes across the UK.

Members of the public reported to Police a red van drawing up at double yellow lines, shortly vacated by a blue-capped man in his 40s.

TV presenter Des O'Connor witnessed one of the thefts in the Camberwell area:

"You have to admire him", said Des, "he sauntered out of his cockpit opposite a busy bus stop, and opened up the post-box with what I can only presume to be a skeleton key."

"He emptied the box without so much as a hoo or hoorah about exactly what he was stealing and didn't even look over his shoulder. To see such contempt during my fruit shopping was appalling", continued Des, 82.

Metropolitan and City of London Police revealed in a joint statement that thefts have been reported this evening across the country following information from other forces.

"There are conflicting reports of what the thief looks like", said D/Sgt Kahn of Wood Green station, "some say he has black hair, others say he is white and bald, but there are also statements reporting a dread-locked British African woman in a red overcoat."

Clearly the capped-clown is a determined man - but his motive remains unclear. Glaswegians are worried about the possibility of missing Benefit Giros.

"I want my Giro", said Jimmy Louden of North Glasgow, "how else am I to substantiate my sense of entitlement!?"

A source in Royal Mail alleges that a Paul McCartney, 72, has called the Liverpool sorting office three times worried about losing £10.50 in due returns for a faulty Volvo fan-belt.

"Records show he hasn't had a house here since 1988," said the source, "we've no idea why Paul is phoning us."

There are over 115,000 pillar boxes across Britain. Police forces across the country are asking the public to exercise vigilance.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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