Realistic cardboard images of a wheel on bricks are being sold as wheel covers at Liverpool Tourist Centres from today. The officer for tourism, Mrs. Morris-Minor told our Inner City Travel Correspondent, "Every time someone parks up for a few minutes the bloody car wheels are gone and the vehicle is up on bricks.
This even happens when the tyres are being changed. I have had these universal cardboard wheel covers printed with colour posters of axles up on bricks and they are so realistic that the police and A.A are constantly being called out day and night when forgetful motorists return to their cars. I am told that the problem of wheel theft is confined to Liverpool, but I saw it happen in London on "The Bill" last week."
Looking out of her office window Mrs. Morris-Minor said "Oh my goodness, my car wheels have gone! I am sick of this sham of a job. Who in their right minds would go on holiday to fucking Liverpool anyway. The Beatles tour, the Town Hall with its Liver Birds, some afrerthought museums and thats it! My unofficial advice for any Liverpool tourists who have not been mugged or had their cars interfered with is to immediately get the fuck out of there and go to Southport or a Safari Park. Get a life, you sad nerds! Don't print this will you?"