Written by D Agnew
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Friday, 15 August 2014

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England was today shook to the very bottom of its outraged core as footage of an experiment consisiting of an actor luring kids away from a playground went on-line.

The shocking footage shows a actor being secretly filmed in a playground by the swings, after some time he engages a young child in conversation and asks for her help to find a lost dog. Unbelievably she follows him out of the play area where she immediately assaults him, steals his phone and demands his pin number. The paedophile actor (not actually a paedophile) was unable to scream for help as he had grass forced in his mouth. Soon after the intended innocent child victim can be seen tweeting pics of the downed man and shouting "East side ends 4 eva"

The shocking footage raises many questions with some experts on child protection raising the point that the Actor "Didn't look weird enough"

After the Video was released it quickly circulated on Faceblook and Foxy bingo chat rooms, whipping up a frenzy of half truths and gigantic lies, designed to make sure kids don't ever leave the safety their computer screens and go outside where paedophiles and random serial killers are known to lurk in bushes and schools.

One mother of eight children Agnes Smith says she refuses to allow her kids outside unless its to pop to the Off Licence and is now home schooling them with MTV. She prefers them to stay inside online sending snap chats of them selves in various states of undress to people they have never met. This craze of selfies while innocent to look at, hides an even bigger danger.

We spoke to one victim lets call him Jimmy S for the purposes of this report. Jimmy, 17, said:

"I struck up a friendship with a girl on a candycrush-farmyard-kingdom-ninja forums and snapychat and other instant messengers Believing her to be 18 or 19 or thereabouts. At first we just chatted talked about school and music or homework then we swapped photos but she kept doing this duck face and turning the contrast right up in the pictures.

"Some of the angles must have been done by blu-tacking the camera to the loft and decorating it with flashing stars and rainbows."

He eventually proposed a meet with the girl, and tells us with trepidation what happened.

"So I get dropped off at a McDonalds and wait by the benches as arranged when suddenly this really fat spotty teenager walks up and introduces her self as Q-tee19. I was mortified.

"She looked nothing like her picture, she was well, Fat, very fat and spotty. People just don't know who there talking to now a days."

Americans deal with the menace of their children being abducted while out playing by tackling the problem at the top of the chain. Minnesota has banned the sales of baby bunnies and sweets to anyone over the age of 40 while following Minnesota's lead Florida has stopped the trade in fluffy kittens unless you are a gun owner and fill in the kitten release form.

Many states are now arming their kids with miniaturised firearms designed for little hands and in custom bright colours I my self saw a finding Nemo AR15 assault rifle and a Life of pi dessert eagle as well as hundreds of Bratz guns and Pokemon revolvers

The form to acquire a kitten or sweets poses some difficult questions such as "Is the kitten or sweets for you or your children?", "Can you prove the children are yours we need two forms of ID?", while other questions take no prisoners such as, "Are you or do you intend to use this animal to entice kids (not your own) into a car?"

The final question explains the type of fine or sentence to be expected if you lie: "Are you a paedophile? Answer truthfully. Tick the box for yes. Failure to admit the truth is a felony under state law."

While Americas knee-jerk reaction to this problem seems over the top and affecting the freedom of parents to buy animals for their heavily armed children if it stops one fluffy cat being used in this way then its been a success. Others see it as a typical over reaction.

"You have more chance of having your kids abducted than you do say, walking down a street and a stolen plane crashes into it, or going to the cinema and some kid shoots everyone inside, There's more chance of a terrorist organisation putting a bomb on a packed London bus than there is for a child to be stolen, the statistics speak for themselves," said eminent Statistics expert and Wonga call worker Dr Joe Jones (GCSE E cooking).

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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