Written by FBI-AL
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Topics: David Cameron

Tuesday, 12 August 2014

image for Cameron solves lack of own parliamentary powers for the North of England
this is how much we care about Northern England say tories

Cameron believes he has solved the problems of a lack of parliamentary powers for the North of England from a London centric society.

In a radical move he plans to sell the North of England to China or Russia. Speaking to Daily Spoof reporter FBI AL he said "Well it just makes sense doesn't it China and Russia use a lot of fossil fuels and the Northerners have been moaning about the mines closing since Lord Thatcher (RIP) got rid of that dirty messy anti middle class business digging dirt out of the ground."

When asked how it would work Mr Cameron agreed it would be a logistical nightmare and that whoever bought it would have to take it with them, he went on "obviously we'll sell it to the highest bidder and they will have to chisel it out of the rest of the country and tow it to their own territory, we're expecting a large amount of money for the North from Hadrian's wall to the Nottinghamshire/Derby border we're expecting bids in the region of hundreds, maybe even thousands of pounds."

When asked about the people of the North's thoughts on the matter Mr Cameron admitted it wouldn't be well received by everyone "Of course not everyone will want to become a part of China or Russia and we will relocate those on higher middle incomes or the rich and wealthy as is our usual policy, but the rest of those scrubbers will be happy as a pig in shit as they say 'oop' North being able to scratch a living of the very dirt under their feet."

Mr Cameron added "A pleasant by product of this is that it creates a sort of moat between proper Britain and the Scots as they will be independent in the next year or two, we've tried very hard to make it look like we want them to stay part of the Union whilst actually getting a load of toffs they'll hate to argue we want them to stay, it's no loss really and the chiselling out of Northern England creates a great defence against all those soon to be starving, heroin/alcohol withdrawal crazed scots from getting on our land and claiming asylum, fantastic!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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