Written by Shortty
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Topics: Crime, menstruation

Saturday, 26 July 2014

image for Woman chains her menstrual cycle to a lamp post. It is stolen anyway.
Mrs Adams says she won't rest until the cycle is safe and sound back between her legs

A young woman in London is distraught today after discovering that her menstrual cycle has been stolen. Lillet Adams had chained the cycle to a lamp post while she went in to Boots to buy some urgent supplies, but came out to find a thief had made off with it. To add insult to injury, the cycle was uninsured.

"I'm in real trouble without it" the visibly shaken Mrs Adams sobbed. I'm going to ask around the local pubs to see if anyone is trying to sell it, and look on ebay to see if it turns up on there. If that doesn't work i'm going to nail some pictures of my cycle on the trees in the local park just in case someone recognises it. I'd even consider paying a reward because somehow i feel less of a woman without it.

When asked who could have stolen it Lillet said "I think it was probably a woman. A man would look a bit funny on a lady's cycle. Also, whoever took it must have cut themselves quite badly when they cut the chain because there was a huge amount of blood on the pavement. I reported it to the police but they weren't much help. They just said i might have a period with no cycle, but even if i get it back i shouldn't be on the pavement on it in case i injure a pedestrian".

One person not mourning the loss is Lillet's husband, Grizzly. He told us "it's only been gone a while but things have definitely improved in the bedroom. She used to spend so much time on that cycle that she was always too tired to make love to me. I came to really resent it. It had some kind of magic hold over her, when she was on it she acted like a different person. Mostly like a complete bitch".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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