Written by Shortty
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Saturday, 19 July 2014

image for A healthy way to lose weight? Fat chance!
Little pickers wear bigger knickers. One of these will make you fart as well

There was uproar last night when it was revealed that receipts from supermarkets are now to contain health warnings for the shopper if their choices are deemed to be unhealthy. There have been accusations that this is just the latest example of the nanny state, and that the supermarkets are "playing God". One appalled customer, Miss J Brand from Tooting told us " I am very lucky to have been blessed with a swimmers build, but if i suddenly decided that i wanted to have an evening in stuffing cream cakes down my face, then i don't think i would want an intrusive till at netto who has no understanding of how disasterous my love life is telling me what i can and can't eat, so just FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!"

These sentiments were echoed, somewhat less hysterically by the altogether more cheerful Miss D French from Dibley. She chortled "I don't have time to read receipts. I've usually polished off three Terry's Chocolate Orange's before i reach my tractor in the Supermarket car park".

Despite these different reactions from consumers, Supermarkets are under huge pressure from the nasty, spiteful Conservative Party to employ harsher methods still to convince their chubby punters to reduce their calorific intake. One idea is to sell all sugary drinks and tooth destroying cola's in a corner of the store that is massively infested with tarantula's. One shop in Scotland did trial this method briefly but it was found to be counter-productive after local families were beset by nightmares and bedwetting occurrences and went on to comfort themselves with vast amounts of milk chocolate.

Another store, in neighbouring Devon employed a method even more shocking. All shelves containing products on the Supermarket Naughty List in "family size" or "jumbo packs" were wired up to the mains electricity. Anyone reaching for a six pack of Flame Grilled Real McCoy crisps for example, found themselves in instantly the same state as tens of thousands of volts were charged through them in a bid to make them consider a healthier option for their lunch box. This practice was ended however after a spate of cases of asylum seekers taking the local council to court on the grounds that stepping over enormous putrefying chavs is against their human rights.

Predictably, the Daily Mail had a field day with this story. Supermarkets are working harder than ever now to comply with Government guidelines while at the same time taking great care not to alienate or murder their customers.

Waitrose have begun making single mothers take a general knowledge test before they are allowed to purchase certain kid's breakfast cereals, resulting in a huge drop in sales of Coco-Pops in the Liverpool area. Tesco's are insisting that anybody wishing to purchase their ready meals must be able to do twenty unassisted press ups at the check out counter. Asda have expanded the list of products on the watch list and have come up with an ingenious way to make their patrons improve their lifestyle. Every time a lady picks up a bra which is two or more times larger than the national average, all the lights in store go off instantly apart from the ones in her aisle. Then the tannoy system will at full blast play the 1970's classic "I don't want no more no big fat woman" by Joe Tex.

Fortunately the message to live healthily is starting to sink in, partly down to positive role models such as celebrity personal trainer Jim Towel. He told us "My clients love what my programmes do for them. Thanks to me, Victoria Beckham does three hundred thousand sit-ups every morning and eats nothing but mung beans, and she's one of the most desirable women in the world, if you can look past her nose.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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