Written by Jack Allen
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Monday, 7 July 2014

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Is it safe?

The Conservative party have sanctioned the creation of bank notes that safely and silently self-destruct when they are invested into banks or Network Rail but cause more destruction than a starved hyena in a baby ward when invested into Job Seekers Allowance and other benefit schemes.

The scheme, entitled 'the mass distractor', was given the go ahead today by David 'bitch to the rich' Cameron. The PM stated that, "This was the most prudent move for those people who matter most. This is an attempt to ensure that you and everyone else will cry and moan about those pesky scroungers and no one else."

In line with contemporary British business models, the government will create the notes with multiple design flaws and ensure the notes cost twice as much to produce in comparison to what they're worth.

A spokesman for 'the mass distractor' scheme said today: "We hope to please those people and companies with lots of money by giving them even more money. We'll do this on the quiet to cover up their glaring, embarrassing errors. But those dirty fuckers who ask for 6% of the cash we bailed out the bankers with. They are the true drain on the economy and we strive to further highlight this. This scheme will ensure this happens."

According to the Green Party, we as a nation will decide the overall effectiveness of this scheme as only time will tell whether or not we allow something like this to go unpunished, like an atrocious fart at a funeral.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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