Written by Herrdoktorfox
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Topics: Cats, Satan

Saturday, 5 July 2014

image for The Devil Pussy invades!
A frustrated Svetlana waits patiently for Roystons tackle to heal up

An elderly couple recently told how they were terrorised in their own home for three days by a cat!

Royston Munt needed hospital treatment after being attacked by the intruder, which got in through a bedroom window.

Retired taxidermist and WW2 veteran Mr Munt, 90 and his 23 year old wife, Svetlana were having frantic sex in the living room when they first spotted the feral cat.

He said, "I was just giving Svetlana a good hard seeing to on the settee when out the corner of me good eye I suddenly saw this huge, black hairy object with piercing eyes and whiskers, something I had not seen since that time I visited a dodgy brothel in Cairo during 1943!

"After uncoupling m'self from Svetlana the thing dashed off into the spare bedroom and I found it hiding under the bed it were then I realised it were a pussy. I tried to coax it out but it wouldn't budge, so with me strides still around me ankles I hobbled to the cupboard and got a broom. I tried poking it up the arse like but the fecker wouldn't move so I tried to pick it up with me hands like. But it just flew at me like it were possessed by the devil and sank it's teeth into me meat and two vege, bloody Nora it didn't 'alf bleedin' hurt.

"It were going berserk and flew around feckin' room with me todger in its mouth spitting me testimonials onto the floor like. Luckily, Svetlana has had some medical training having worked in Boots Chemist and she was able to put me balls into a plastic bag while throwing her whirring vibrator at the cat and scaring it! Luckily the cat dropped me todger as it ran out the room so she wrapped it up in cling foil with me knackers and put it in a carrier bag with some Birds Eye frozen peas".

Arriving at the hospital Royston was given a tetanus injection, then rushed to the emergency theatre to have his tackle stitched back on, much to the relief of Svetlana who had only just paid out for her husband's private Viagra prescription. After 48 hours he was allowed to leave the ICU unit on crutches and the couple returned home, but their problems were by no means over!

In their absence the cat had clawed its way up the silk curtains, urinated and defecated all over the lounge, emptied the fridge, drunk all the wine stock and was flaked out on the settee watching Bill Oddie in 'Springwatch' while eating a cold chicken leg with some salsa dip.

But after his ordeal Royston could not face trying to tackle the 'creature' again and told Svetlana she would have to be patient and wait a few more weeks before their normal sex sessions could resume.

He then rang the RSPCA but they refused to help saying that they only dealt with distressed animals, not frustrated, horny young Russian housewives! After contacting a local cats protection group the best they could offer was a cage, advising Royston to keep Svetlana regularly fed and watered during her 'fertile' period and until such time as he was fully healed.

In desperation, Royston turned to his neighbour, Cecil 'splatter' Rowbottom 95, a retired ex-SAS bomb disposal expert, active black belt karate champion, part-time cordon bleu chef and keen motorcyclist. Cecil immediately donned motorcycle leathers, helmet and gloves before approaching the animal behind the closed living room door.

Royston recalls; "It was like feckin' WW3 in there, all Svetlana and m'self could hear was screaming, hissing, furniture flying everywhere and the sound of broken glass for about three hours, it were right frightening!"

Finally the door opened and they were greeted by a rather bedraggled Cecil, his leathers in shreds, helmet and gloves gone and missing his left arm, both ears, one eye, three fingers and left testicle. "By the lord feckin' Harry that bastard put up a fight" said Cecil as he collapsed in a bloody heap on the floor, but with his dying breath he was able to reassure Royston that the cat had 'finally run off through the open lounge window after he had threatened it with his fully loaded walther PPK!'

Since Cecil's cremation the couple are now terrified the cat will return to their home and have now installed close circuit TV around the house to monitor movement in every room, to date the cat has not returned.

In the meantime however, Royston and Svetlana have accrued a superb collection of home movies capturing their renewed, regular sex life now that he has fully recovered and have been approached by Babestation to do a 'live' on air performance!

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