Written by dgwest7
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Thursday, 3 July 2014

image for The bollock kicking machine
House of Commons

James Worldcup had been such a devout England supporter that the latest performance caused his devotion to turn to a form of controlled rage when he said "What is needed is a good kick in the bollocks".

In discussion with his mates down the pub, they agreed that any other action would be less appropriate.

However James realised that producing eleven consecutive perfectly aimed kicks would be an almost impossible task for any Englishman. So he set about inventing a bollock-kicking machine, which has since been perfected. It is adjustable for height and power, and even on half power is said to be more effective than a policeman's taser.

He first tested it on himself, and vowed never to be tested again. A final testing created a need for paid volunteers but even though more money was offered for a second kicking none of them ever returned, proving incontrovertibly that a a well administered kick in the bollocks causes more grief than labour pains.

During the development period of this amazing machine, there were some unpopular moves made by the UK government, and one mate suggested that a good kick in the bollocks might solve these problems too.

Well, wheels turned and folks talked to folks, and just about everyone thought that this was that extra bit of democracy that was needed to control governments.

So six hundred and forty eight bollock-kicking machines were floated down the Thames and installed in The House Of Commons, one for each MP.

The idea was that members of the TV audience who purchased the bollock-kicking app, could vote whenever they felt a house member needed a bollock-kicking. If a variable number (10 is suggested) of viewers voted for a kicking to a specific house representative during the same House session, then the kick would be delivered without warning. This is why there are now more incidents of mouthy MPs suddenly hunching over in pain.

The one disadvantage of the machine is that it has no effect on women, so a titty twerker is being developed. This has created an additional problem with equality now being seriously questioned, as also is the need for any central governments at all.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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