London. The prime minister David Cameron today announced that he would not rule out resorting to death squads in an effort to "make poverty history". 'Tough but fair' measures will be introduced if the Tories are returned to power after the next election.
Cameron " Yeah call me Dave, Big Society. I belong to a lot of murky and weird secret confraternities of the obscenely rich and we've hatched a plan so an extremely inbred and reactionary minority (ie the Tory party and the tabloid press) can engineer a lunatic police state that deprives the vulnerable and marginalised of their civil and social rights and freedoms. Essentially I want to see poor and dependent people ,including children and the elderly, released into the wild so my fellow bigoted chums can hunt them to extinction, and if that is not acceptable as a policy platform then I can't rule out death squads comprised of top blokes from MI6 to do the job for me. I got George Osborne to cost and approve this and it can be rolled out as soon as we are returned to office, we're all in this together! Big Society!"
Celebrity Tory MP Jemima Toffington who presents her own 6 hour property show on Channel 4 and pays tax at 2% described the move as "Swinging the pendulum back towards the rich. When you think of how vicious and plutocratic the Tory party is, it's a wonder we ever get elected in the first place!"