Speaking exclusively to Spoof's Joe West, England captain Steven Gerrard gave the astonishing news about England's 2-1 defeat by Uruguay.
'We knew if we won the World Cup' he said 'the Government would take all the credit. Their popularity would have increased and the Tories might even be elected next year. None of us, especially those with Liverpool connections, could possibly support that. So we decided to leave the World Cup at the earliest opportunity.'
West, staggered by the news, asked if the decision was taken with the whole team's agreement. 'Only Wayne was uneasy' Gerrard admitted 'so we ensured he got a goal and after that he went along with the rest of us. Management never knew - it was all players power.'
West pointed out that should Italy win all their matches there was a chance England could still qualify for the next round if we beat Costa Rica. But Gerrard replied that they could draw or lose that game in the national interest.