Written by Matt Brown
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Tuesday, 17 June 2014

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Poll results from the first six months of 2014 have shown a record number of deaths due to waiting. Indeed it has overtaken being sucked down the plughole, mass papercut suicides and having a funny turn.

The most prominent offenders of death by waiting is the postman and couriers, taxi drivers, buses and trains, queues at airport security and supermarkets. The church service, the barbers, traffic jams, traffic lights, apologies, weddings, the adverts (including adverts before movies), really long spoof stories, the internet servers, the dinner, the washing machine, roadworks, the seasons, toilets and the swimming pool high jump line, the wife, botched asphyxiation, the lift when someone has farted, hibernation, brushing your teeth, a cricket match, cooling food, all day fishing events, Ethel and the purse of 1p's, the car at the mechanics, a broken arm, death row, crossing the road on a really busy street, the bubbles to go down after dropping your soft drink/beer, quiz shows with more small time banter than questions, landing on a plane, being at a busy junction, Homer's call to Japan, stutterers, the realisation that democracy doesn't exist, the cleaning of a house, the slow eater, getting stains out of the carpet, crap cars up a long hill, peeling all of the potatoes, peas in a pod, ''You are in a queue'' and finally the succession of monarchs.

Special 'Waiting' rooms have been set up where patients can be seen by professional waiters, who can help manage their symptoms. Not to be confused with doctor's and/or dentist waiting rooms or indeed the waiting of brains in the mortuary.

Despite the figures everyday waiting doesn't have much on waiting for death which usually takes around 74 years.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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