Written by Jack Allen
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Topics: Alcohol, drunk

Sunday, 22 June 2014

image for Father Blames Son For Drunken Death
Was Jason on the verge of solving third world hunger?

In a startling revelation, the father of recently deceased Jason Doebsin, 21, has blamed his son, not the alcohol he consumed, for his death.

With Jason growing up in a generation that can't hold its beer, he was dared to jump from the top of The Shard after downing just 4 1/2 pints of Stella Artois. Jason did so, and for unexplained reasons splattered his brains all over the concrete below, as well as ruining an elderly lady's handbag and skirt. However, in earth shattering news his Dad didn't blame the alcohol.

"How is it the alcohol? He hasn't been to rehab and hasn't had any issue before. It just so happened that he was a bigger c**t when drunk in comparison to his usual annoying self! He should've just grown up and walked away from the situation like a man. Instead he died like a bitch. He's even still pissing me off in death as the old lady who's stuffed got splattered by his brain is getting me to pay for her dry cleaning!"

The controversial viewpoint of Jason's Dad has been backed up by the Institute of Research who revealed today that alcohol, contrary to popular belief, cannot force itself into the human body. The revolutionary new findings also came to the same conclusion when testing other drugs such as ecstasy and cocaine.

With Jason's death being the latest in a string of drug related deaths that could have potentially been avoided with education at a young age, an online petition has begun to begin classes at schools across the country. However, no mainstream newspapers are reporting the aforementioned findings or the petition because it might upset too many parents who focus on making more noise and fuss than those who raise their children to be fully informed about drugs and their potential dangers.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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