Written by Jack Allen
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Monday, 30 June 2014

image for Girl Reports Boy For 'Stealing' Her Virginity
Curly Wurlys were her one weakness

A teenager from Southwark has reported the theft of her virginity to the Police, stating that she wants it back.

With Candice Rankburger losing her virginity at 17, she was seen to be a Nun by friends and family in Southwark but the incident in question has now changed their viewpoints drastically.

Candice presumed like every teenager that she would be deflowered in a sunny field, by a romantic man with such prowess she'd walk around like John Wayne for a week after. However, she ended up giving it away cheaply during a break in her Saturday shift at Poundkingdom.

Candice stated that Poundkingdom took on another meaning because the man in question "sweet talked" her into ripping her already stretched jeggings with talk of "packets of Mayfair and Curly Wurlys". However, on this occasion, and this occasion only, a man made a few promises to a female just to "get his end away". Candice now wants this despicable act stricken from the virginity record books.

Candice said today: "I want my virginity back. I want my dignity back. I want that white towel we used to clean up with back. He is scum."

However, the man in question might soon see Candice weep profusely from her two other eyes as The Police today stated, "If this tactic was not implemented by men worldwide, no fucker would get laid!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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