Under a new Tory law, pubs that predominantly cater for the unemployed have to employ a thin, disheveled middle-aged man to smoke at the front door to ensure no upstanding citizens accidentally go in for a pint.
The law, entitled 'fag means f**k off', was introduced yesterday, allegedly for the good of 94% of the country. The change, according to David Cameron, should be easy to introduce for pubs as "they have the luxury of picking from any of their regulars."
The move, made by David 'where's my kid?' Cameron is though to create 72,000 jobs for people who can't hold anything but 12 pints of watered down Fosters. Many have applauded the move, including Carnage pub-crawl organiser Joseph Whitney.
"I regularly get sent to high-risk areas like Hull, Liverpool, Newcastle and Oldham that have a shitload of dodgy pubs. I've regularly been robbed or physically abused loads of times because I've accidentally entered an absolute shithole full of future BNP and EDL members. It's not on! I've now had to resort to finding a Weatherspoons every time, which no human should have to resort to!"