Cheryl Cole didn't make it in America because even though she is fit, she is an unintelligible Geordie div. Robbie Williams was too fat, fair enough. Even British success story Tesco's flopped in America (although they should have known better than trying to sell vegetables over there). They obviously despise us, but now relations with the US are at an all time low after the treatment meted out to a true British icon. A diplomatic row is brewing after the shock imprisoning of the much loved philanthropist Abu Hamza.
Mr Hamza had only travelled to New York to attend a dinner in his honour after his Nobel Peace Prize nomination but now he is serving thirty five double life sentences and is locked up for twenty three hours a day. His lawyer has vowed to get him released by hook or by crook (i'll give you the benefit of the doubt on that but no more please, ed.)
In Britain, Abu Hamza is a hero. From teaching school children the quickest way of opening milk cartons, allowing his beard to be used as a breeding ground for the rare and endangered Water Beetle to his famous sermons on tolerance of all men, he is revered. A huge wave of sympathy swept over him when he lost both hands and an eye while hosting a charity firework event for Great Ormond Street Childrens Hospital. Typical of the man, he was only thinking of the kids enjoyment when he decided to attempt juggling with several Catherine wheels simultaneously. He was due to receive a knighthood from the Queen next month but now the Americans have jailed him over a kidnapping they say he had a hand in (i know that was deliberate, I won't tell you again, ed.)
Mr Hamza's wives have taken to Twitter to protest at the conditions at his prison. They say he is being neglected and has started to go rusty and has no access to any potentially life saving WD40. Four hundred of his children have signed a petition demanding his release but probably won't go to America themselves as they are extremely happy in their extended mews house in Shepherds Bush. None of Mr Hamza's wives will be travelling to the US to see their husband either as they have become embroiled in a quarrel over which one of them should be allowed to marry Nick Clegg. Also staying, and now on the housing list are the seventy two virgins Abu Hamza has been allocated. They were not supposed to appear until he reached the afterlife, but after seeing the Shepherds Bush house for themselves they immediately claimed asylum, job seekers allowance, working tax credits and bizarrely, child benefits.
Hamza himself has vowed to return to the UK after he has served his thirty five double life sentences as he plans a tour of the nations synagogues for a series of lectures on male grooming. He says his task of getting Arabs and Israelis alike to take more pride in their beards is something he could probably manage single-handedly (that's it, i resign. We didn't even do shit like this on the Daily Star, ed).